I am trying to be strong

I am trying to be strong
but it seems my strength has eluded me
it walked away from me when
I lost this fight for your love


I am trying to be strong
to wake up each morning and
welcome the sunrise
knowing time won’t stop
to grieve with me


I am trying to be strong
to play the role of
a responsible adult and teach my
students about the language of life
but my eyes are too honest
I know they smile for me
I know they know their teacher’s heart is waning


I am trying to be strong
as I drive around the neighborhood
killing time as I try to look for my laughter
maybe I left it
on the street corner
or misplaced it by the bus stop

I am trying to be strong
as I put food in my mouth
my body has to feed
but my soul has been fasting
trying to cleanse a life I
thought I lived


I am trying to be strong as I unlock the front door
and go into the waking world
my body knows no sleep
my mind has been weary
my heart?
it is barely beating


I am trying to be strong
because I know nothing else but be


I am trying to be strong
for me.








April 30,2007(8:10 am )
englewood,nj


* My class was fortunate to receive a poetry writing workshop grant with a resident poet from Harlem,NYC. He introduced the technique of repetition to my students. As I was going through some tough shit myself, I wrote one line that I told my mother in one of those numerous overseas calls to home. I rarely write sappy stuff in English, but I have to let out this grief and corniness. How come I can never write verses when I am happy?

Pag-ibig Ko

Ang kamay ng orasan ay
Hindi tumigil
Ang galaw ng bawat sandali ay
Patuloy
Tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa yo


Ang pag-ibig ko ay hindi
Preso
Hindi kita ikinukulong sa aking templo
Walang tanikala na pipigil sa yo
Sa pagtuklas mo ng sanlaksang
Hiwaga ng mundo

Bagkus,
Ang pag-ibig ko ay malaya dumadaloy sa pagitan nating
Dalawa
Tulad ng karagatan na malawak ang kinasasakupan

Dahil hindi iisa ang ating puso’t kaluluwa
Andiyan ang puwang sakaling hanapin mo ito

Tulad ng paglakbay mo sa
Pusod ng kalooban at kaligayahan mo
Malaya mong hanapin ang kapayaan ng kaluluwa mo



Ang pag-ibig ko sa yo
Ay hindi maramot
Ang lungkot na nadarama ko ay mapapawi rin ng panahon



May 18, 2007 (6:56pm)
bergenfield,nj


* Ang Propeta ni Kahlil Gibran ay isa sa mga librong lagi kong binabalik-balikan, lalo na kapag ang puso ko'y nalulumbay. Mayroon akong lumang sipi na bigay sa akin ni Uncle Choncho. Matanda pa ang librong ito kaysa sa akin. Isa ito sa kakaunting librong ibinaon ko mula pa sa Pilipinas.

song of the dying wanton

she stared at the moon. it was a bright and dark night outside. the night air whispered kisses at her skin. she brushes the cold breeze with a sigh. how long will this take? she shakes her head in defeat. it is futile she muttered. what is the point of all this. she felt she was awakened from a deep slumber. but there was no kiss. there was no prince. there is only herself.

she takes her guitar and plucks a lost melody. she serenades no one. a waste. she sings sweetly from her kitchen window. it is no tower. it is her self-appointed prison.

the song comes back to her. she caresses the chords lovingly. her throat strains at the last few words. her eyes fixed intently at her reflection. so many empty kisses. the sighs she won't utter again.

her friend told her it will take a while for her to heal. it will take a while for her to feel alive again. for now she must exist on existence itself.


how long will this take?


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i've never been a chocoholic. these days i eat a lot of chocolates, go figure. sometimes it's sick how life throws these curve balls at your face. thank goodness for friends who i can talk to about anything, i mean ANYTHING. richard, is this why you eat a lot of chocolates, huh? after this post, i went to my bookshelf and hunted my little red book.